I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
scale of 1-10 how well do I give head
5, but i have never had a 10. best was an 8 so if i grade you on a curve you are a 7. ish.
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
Randomize
