At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
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