my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Randomize
