"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
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