I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
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