Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
