so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
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