I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
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