I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
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