What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
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