Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
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