the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
