How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
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