Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
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