We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
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