You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
