Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
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