Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Randomize
