I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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