My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
Randomize
