Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Randomize
