I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
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