my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
I wear drunk well.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
