He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
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