I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
No more Irish car bombs ever.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
