Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
Who did Billy Mays play for?
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
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