If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Just watched a UNI fan at the bar lick the tears off of a KU fans face.. See what march madness does to people
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
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