I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
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