My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
