Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
I checked into jail on foursquare
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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