Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
