Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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