You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
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