Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
