I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize
