I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
