Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Randomize
