I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Randomize
