I got chris browned last night
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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