a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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