Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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