i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Randomize
