I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
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