can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Randomize
