I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Randomize
