Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
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