Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
