i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
