i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
