I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
He played a tape of his mad rapping skills after the final...his rapper name was Mad Stylz and he rapped about all the pussy he got in the 90's. I love Sociology.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
