Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize