i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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