Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Naked. naked and bneed help.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
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