I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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