4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
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