Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Randomize
