Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Randomize
