Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
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